Today as I did my laundry and danced to ‘Godwin’ I was so full of gratitude that I realised that I wouldn’t have been if that day had not happened…
That day is the day I quietly escaped from the world. Instead of showcasing my Student enterprise, EmoArt at E-Fest, I told some of my teammates that I was done and took my shuka and went next to my sanctuary and just collapsed. There on that volleyball pitch, as my tears soaked the ground and my fingers made mud out of all of it, I though of my life. I thought of all the opportunities that had been given to me and I couldn’t stop sobbing because in that time, I had blown them all. How was I going to tell my dad that I didnt get into the university that would make doing liberal arts worthwhile? How was mum going to react when she heard that some of my friends got into the Ivies she so much wanted her daughter to go to. I could remember her happiness at seeing all those shiny universities on the ALA brochure after I got admitted, I am convinced that the hope of her daughter attending one of those universities was the only thing that made her agree to my not doing KCSE…but there I was, struggling with Physics sure that I wouldn’t even make a B in CIE. There I was hopeless and sobbing away the disappointments. Even Elani’s voice wasn’t soothing because it reminded me of the fact that people fail when they don’t put effort and I was sure Elani had worked their bums off to get to that point. At that moment, I still had faith that everything would work beautifully in the end but i just didnt want to see the light, I needed to revel in the tunnel for once and for all. I wanted to beat myself up and down, I wanted myself to feel , to feel all the disappointment, the anger, the lack of direction, the everything…
6 months later, I am feeling faith, hope, love,joy, clarity, beauty and contentment. At this point, I am seeing the light and realising that the light was always there. I am embracing my season, my relationships, my God, my beliefs and myself. I am living in total surrender and I am loving it.
I will never forget October 2015 and I am so so grateful for every single thing and below are the highlights that I will always keep close to my heart. Thank you!
Also grateful for:
Cravingyellow.com : This mama just adds so much yellow to my life
http://tessymaritim.com/ :This one resurrects any of my activism cells that dare succumb to the pressure of critcisms or conformity.
Song of the month has got to be: https://youtu.be/w14zUTXOhYE (because my meat has been floating).