Tell me…

Here I am trying so hard not to die before I am dead…but what choice have I?  Who am I ,really, to try so hard? Why do I speak as if I will myself to live or to die? Why do I speak as if i control something?  Why do I behave like I can preserve myself a bit more or quicken my death…yet I can die even now and have nothing to do with it…
I don’t know what to do with this new reality, that I am truly truly powerless. I am truly just a fig or a flower or the ants I unconsciously stamp to death as I briskly walk by…
Do I go on dreaming and hoping and playing pretend in the world? Pretending that my decisions  actually matter and make things happen? And if so, how do I do it…how do I blind myself again? How do I believe in the assurance of living?
There are days when am lying wide awake and I imagine that death has taken me…lifted my spirit out of my body and I begin to shudder because I now see how inevitable death is.
Do I still optimistically forge on? Willing myself towards hope of this better place I am transcending to? Or do I just die before am dead for what difference does it make…Oh God tell me…I need to know,it is urgent…
Paul…I need to believe that to die is gain…to believe so hard that I don’t fear anymore, that I don’t cry anymore when I hear someone has “gained”…