Figuring it out.

My nanny was the most devout Christian ever and since she brought me up I also became a devout Christian. In high school, I grew so much as a Christian and was even appointed as Christian Union Chairlady. Naturally I was keen to continue working out my salvation with fear and trembling when I came to ALA(African Leadership Academy). However, my African Philosophy classes had other plans for me.

As we explored Sartre’s existentialism, the role of Christianity in colonialism and feminist theory, my faith faltered. I remember spending evenings in my bed just staring at the ceiling and wondering if the God I had always believed in, the one who had answered all my prayers and performed miracles was really just a fabrication of my own imagination. I wondered if religion in its purest form was just the opium of the masses and a tool of oppression that restricted my freedom to truly exist.  I also wished I had not read Things Fall Apart for then I thirsted for my own Black Messiah, one who was not brought by colonialists.

My normally peaceable self did not like the volcano that had erupted in my mind and for that reason I continued being a Christian. I kept my questions to myself but soon the feelings of emptiness and longing overtook me. Slowly my joy faded as I started to spend evening after evening contemplating the meaning of life. Throughout this process I was a theoretical Christian simply going through the motions. Honestly something felt a miss as I went through days of not praying and not reading my Bible and I just felt formless and hollow.

The turning point was gradual and a result of many processes. I knew nothing of traditional Maasai spirituality; the things that had started defining me like entry into college were not giving and the final stroke was breaking up with my boyfriend. I was in this huge empty hole and I realised that there had only been one constant in all this and that was my faith albeit smaller than a mustard seed. My spirit still cried out and groaned for something greater. I climbed out of the hole with the help of my friends and although I still have many questions, I now ask them in faith. Now, God and I are back and whenever I look back at this experience, God is like my boo whom I fell out of love with after fierce arguments on different ideologies but later got together with because he is just *bae. Apart from my relationship with God, Christianity continues to form a strong base for my core values of joy, gratitude, courage and character which I now hold on to even more fiercely.